Friday, March 12, 2004

Personal Ghosts

Personal Ghosts
Friday, March 12, 2004
1:02:00 AM CST

11 Mar 2004

Not too much was going on today. Ate chow tonight and decided to stop in the shop. Dan is still getting his feet wet and Kenny went to dinner, so I stuck around to assist if needed. Worked an issue and when I hung up the phone, one of our Network Admin guys came into the TCF

I asked him if he had moved port connections last night when he was working on the Cisco equipment because one of the computers didn't have internet access this morning. It took about an hour to troubleshoot the cables, computer, etc and ended up being that the plug was plugged into a bad port. Since it isn't the TCF equipment, we don't usually fool with that, so I asked him again if he or anyone else may have mistakenly moved the plug into the wrong spot.

I'm actually glad that I didn't get any words inbetween his ranting. As with a drunk, any words that I might have gotten in would have been discounted and lost on him.

Now that I have buried the ashes of two parents, I don't have to permit myself to be verbally abused like that ever again. I don't have to bear the blame thinking that something I had done had caused their ills. I don't have to carry that guilt now. I was correct to stay silent --then and now.

My mistake is that I thought that when you buried people, the unpleasant moments, unpleasant words and the unpleasant feelings and everything associated with them was also buried and gone. All their words that made you feel worthless, non-deserving of respect and second-best; bury it all in the ground and forget about it. But it only takes a few words with the same rage and tone to remind you that your past is following right behind you waiting to pounce.

Your past follows you. Don't stop too quickly or the past may bump you in the behind. Push forward and become who you want to become. Don't look back, ever. Sometimes it is hard not to look back. The voices and tones of the past make you want to turn around and look back. Stay the course. Tomorrow will be better.

Psalms 144, verse 7:

Stretch out Your hand from above; rescue me and deliver me out of the great waters, from the hand of foriegners,

Don't Talk 10,000 Maniacs

Don't talk, I will listen. Don't talk. You keep your distance. For I'd reather hear some truth tonight, than entertain your lies. So take your poison silently, let me be, let me close my eyes.

Don't talk, I'll believe it. Don't talk, listen to me instead. I know that if you think of it, both long enough and hard. The drink you drown your troubles in, is the trouble you're in now.

Talk, talk, talk about it. You talk as if you care. But when that talk is over, tilt that bottle in the air. Tossing back more than your share.

Don't talk, I can guess it. Don't talk, but now you're restless and you need somewhere to put the blame, for how you feel inside. You'll look for a close and easy mark and you see me, as fair game.

Talk, talk, talk about it, you talk as if you care. But when your talk is over, tilt that bottle in the air, tossing back more than your share.

You talk, talk, talk about it, you talk as if you care. I'm marking every word and I can tell this time for sure, your talk is the finest I have heard.

So, don't talk, I was sleeping. Don't talk, let me go on dreaming. How your eyes they glow so beastly, I can tell that you're inspired. By the name that you just chose for me. Now what was that? Oh, never mind it.

We will talk, talk, talk about it. When your head is clear. I'll discuss this in the morning, but until then, you may talk, but I won't hear.
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