Sunday, April 10, 2005

Big Brother Really IS Watching!

07 April 2005

How do I even begin this one? I’m not going to name names, but let’s just say that we found out today (as if we never suspected it) that Big Brother really is watching. When you first get on base, you have the option to have your computer “baselined” if you are going to connect to the network in any way. This means basically, that it is scrubbed and wiped clean of any programs, porn, viruses you might have and uploaded with the lean, clean, green Army software, screens, etc.

In that process, I’m sure that everything is registered for accountability and such and then you are good to go. Since I’ve never wanted to put my computer up on the network, I never bothered to have it baselined. However, over the 15 months that I’ve been here, others have been so inclined and some have been so bold as to not have their computer baselined and still put it up on the network, so far without incident. Well, it looks like that last ace just got played.

Tuesday morning, three CID people (secret squirrel computer geeky types) stop over at the shop looking for Mr. A. “Uhhhh, Mr. A. isn’t in today, is there anything we can do for you?”

I’m going to take some liberties now at trying to create (and maybe even embellish a tad bit) the scene here. So you have to imagine all three of these guys in suits and sunglasses like in The Matrix responding in unison, very straight-faced and serious in monotone voices, “Where can we find him?”

“He is probably in his trailer right now in Freedom K9. (oh-oh. Better enjoy that “Freedom” while you have it. Sounds like someone is in some deep doo-doo!)

Next thing you know, the Matrix guys are at Mr. A’s door. “You Mr. A?”

(Answers door in his white muscle shirt and boxers with big wad of chew in his front lip) “Yeah, I am. Why you askin?” (spits, non-challantly to the side of the door outside)

“We want your computer…NOW. We found you logged in as “69 is Fine” on the network. Seems you’ve been plugging in an unauthorized computer into the network and your computer is downloading and or uploading info to a certain Middle Eastern site that only five other computers in the world have been exchanging info with. And we won’t even mention all those attempts to access porn sites that were “websensed out”.”

To which Mr. A replies, “Okay, maybe you should have a look at my computer! I was only playing solitaire anyway.”

Hmmmm, sounds very strange, intriguing, clandestine, and such, doesn’t it?

Over the next day or so, Mr. A is sweating bullets wondering if they have internet access and access to porn sites at the cells in Gitmo. No, actually, he is wondering how the heck they broke into his computer and were able to use it for their wicked purposes…and whether he would ever get the computer back…and whether he was going to lose all his downloaded music collection...and whether he was going to see his wife, son, new house and his dark green and rust colored 1963 GMC truck again.

So this morning, he gets summoned over to the office where his computer was being debriefed and the nice CID Army guys in pressed uniforms with perfectly straight sparkling white teeth give him his computer back. It was like a scene from the “Stepford Wives” but we’ll call them the Stepford Seargents or something.

“Have a nice day! We even cleaned up the keys for you. You shouldn’t be having any problem with those babies too soon.”

So Mr. A gets his computer back (with it’s unprecedented downloaded music collection), gets to stay at Freedom K9, gets to see his wife, son, new house and drive his dark green and rust colored 1963 GMC truck again and doesn’t have to ever again wonder if they have internet and access to porn sites at Gitmo.

The End.

Okay, so the story has been altered or warped a bit to include my having left out the details that are restricted (like the interesting debriefing with the hot spotlights on you and all the forms you have to sign) but it just goes to show you that Big Brother really IS watching. BTW, Mr. A is fictional and isn’t at all similar to the person that this beefed up story happened to…seriously! He doesn’t even live in Freedom Village. But he did say that they cleaned up his computer cleaner than it was when they took it.
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